The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
