the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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