It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize