i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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