3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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