He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
