seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
