sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
