I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
