Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
