so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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