My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
