You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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