There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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