This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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