the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
