I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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