How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
