When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
