There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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