It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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