I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
