this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
