At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
