I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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