dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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