Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your penis caused this!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
