I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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