i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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