I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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