Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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