On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
