I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
