can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
