Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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