dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
