I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
