I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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