Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
