Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
