I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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