My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
zippers are such a cool invention
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
