Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
