phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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