i just had sex bonerless
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
