He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
