I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
