I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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