a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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