The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
