sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
