I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
