That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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