i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
