it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
