She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
