We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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